The time of my life..literally

Meditation is defined as focusing/centering your thoughts on an object, visualisation, breath, or just regarding your thoughts as they enter you mind. Its not essentially the ’emptying’ of ones thoughts per ce. Although it can be, and that has a calming effect for those like me who happens to have a five lane motorway running through their heads in a city that never sleeps. Since I set out on my meditation journey in April/May I have found that my meditation mostly consists of studying my own thoughts, actions and reactions. I have found them rather interesting and most times rather baffling to the untrained eye.  I guess what I am saying is I have come to know myself like I know no other. I have a calm now, one I have never experience before.

So, what have I been up to? Thats a matter of opinion really. Some would say nothing at all.  I am starting full time study in a few weeks and during the three-month gap between one course and the other I have not been working (not through lack of trying).  During this time, I have been reading about science, social issues, learing spanish, bush walking, painting, playing my guitar, attempting to write songs and getting back into photography. I have also been contemplating life, myself, my relationships, my love, my beliefs, my downfalls, and my strengths. Therefore others may say I have been doing a lot. 

Solo bush walking in far north Queensland, Australia.

I am so blessed to have these three months to do this. I would not have had it anyway. I want for nothing. If I start earning big bucks again this want for nothing might change into a desire for everything. Taking more than I need from the world again. I dont want to go back to that.

finding grace

 

I saw a bird, an egret of sorts, I’m not an avid bird watcher, but as I was kayaking on peaceful river waters I saw this bird take flight in front of me. It continued to follow the river, flying a metre or two above the water. I noticed this bird’s wings, slow and graceful, one easy stroke and it rose, another and it rose further. No flapping about trying to lift of the ground, and no quick or sudden movements, only grace.  I said to my partner, “I want to be graceful, just like that”. Effortless but meaningful.

 I often lack grace, I often flounder about like a flightless bird running from threat. I act like a feeble and blundering tool. I want my movements to be made with grace, effortless and meaningful, I want to respond to life like that beautiful bird, graceful and strong.

 I can see what I want to be, I can see the slow even meaningful strokes I make toward that goal, but I must have grace.  Any floundering about could see me succumb to threats. Attracting unwanted attention that could bring me down and by unwanted attention, I mean negative thoughts. Now I’m a bit of a believer in the scientific belief that you cannot have a positive without a negative. I feel you can think all the positive thoughts in the world but without the right amount of grace you may see equal amounts of negatives too. Grace allows us to glide when we are going through tough times. When the light at the end of the tunnel we ever so hoped to see, only turns out to be a firefly. With grace we can see that firefly ignite and can rest a moment in marvel, in wonder and in awe of the beauty of your journey.

 I want to have the grace to rest a moment and marvel, wonder and be in awe of the beauty of my journey. I want to accept the road ahead with grace,  I also want to forgive myself for the wrongs I have committed with grace. 

I want to love those I love with grace that exceeds human love. Its a love so pure that all it recognises is grace.

You are set free because you love freely

I have been away.  Away and lost in my mind, or maybe just lost my mind. Im not really that sure. It seems Im avoiding the truest deeper part of me.   Peace is available and I turn it down for a ride on the wild side of fear, anxiety and a hint of depression.

What I have contemplated of late:

 I want to find peace. I want to find hope, love and an understanding of myself that can only come with quiet still waters.

Spiritual refinement is something I have thought about participating in, just like I have contemplated participating in a photography workshop. I will get around to it one day.

I heard something said, hope is the opposite to fear. The more hope we have the less fear we feel. Take away hope and you increase fear.  I want to live in faith and hope. I want to walk through fog believing there will be something on the other side to receive me. I want to live with hope, hope that I will keep living and things will just keep getting better. Take that hope away and I am overcome with fear.  I also want to love openly and freely. I want to love where love is not conditional.

Do we really love unconditionally?

I love my partner dearly. But I do have conditions on it. I will continue loving as I am being given xyz. I will continue loving as he makes me happy. When that changes, what of my love then? It will drift away wont it?  We can fall out of love when conditions are not being met. This is a rather normal way to operate a relationship. I want a pure love. It’s not a romantic love, it’s a love that you can really say, “All I really want is for you to be happy, with or without me.”   I would break my heart to ever have to say it to him if I was faced with an imminent break up. However, I believe I could really feel that for him.  I could feel that for all those I have ever loved, even those who have wronged me.  I have been wronged in relationships in the past.  I am going through a divorce that could leave me bitter and angry. I have every reason to “hate” this man. However, I would not quite define it as love as such, but no hatred or bitterness has overtaken me on this one.  For this I am truly grateful.

This is the beginning of living with love. Real love. Love is patient, love is kind, love is forgiving, love is putting others happiness first above yours. Love is letting go, love is eternal. 

I live in the hope that I can truly open my heart and love like this. When I feel that hope, it drives away any fear of being hurt because I love.  This true and pure love knows no pain.

There are no conditions, so why would there be pain? You are set free because you can love freely.

FC