Moving on to some funny stuff now…

I have decided at this point that I cannot continue on my meditation journey. Where has it got me over the last twelve months? hmmm not far successfully speaking but it has taught me a lot about myself. In fact, I know so much more about myself now than I could ever imagined having known. However, when it comes to a point where I am doing the warrior pose to Hilltop Hoods I realise that a meditative state is not something I am going to bend myself into right now. Having said that, I feel that I am continuing on my journey. It hasn’t ended, I have not given up on meditation, I am just taking a break for now, my mind is no longer the problem it was to me when I started this blog. I almost loathed my incessant thinking and analysing. Now, twelve months and one heartbreaking break up later I am not wanting to put pins into my own head whilst humming along to songs I make up in the shower. So, I have decided to start another blog..

This one is about my new found singleness. Its a more comical encounter of my life thus far. Yes admittedly its hard to ignore the fact that I’m a 36 year old two time divorcee with a 16 year old son and back to renting my younger brothers house in a town I so desperately wanted to leave 18 months ago.  I have no choice but to look at it in a humorous light. What’s the alternative? So check out my new blog about being a single, thirty something getting over a sad break up, moving interstate and dating (AGAIN!) and still not really knowing if I’m getting it right but Im sure having a lot of fun trying. I have to say, I’m actually not dating again but will be soon I’m sure, I’m addicted to the stuff, and my new blog starts with heart break….

 

…

So this is where I find myself..

Yes. Single.

It so happened this way two weeks ago. My endless worry (see previous posts) took its inevitable toll on my relationship. I could not sit still in it. Be in it. I was always looking over his shoulder, over my shoulder and drove us insane. Now it wasn’t all “me bashing” it does take two to tango. And Tango we did.

I find that in the wake of a series of unfortunate events led us to part ways. He called it, I agreed. However, being the sentimental gal that I am, I could not let go. We admitted we both loved eachother, that was never the problem. We were two different people at two different stages of life. If truth ever be uttered, I was the one having a hard time accepting being in a long term relationship that could see me bored with routine and mediocrity.  It wasn’t me. Not yet anyway.

So after some feeble attempts at meditation, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. He loved me. He took care of me. He supported me. What the bloody hell is wrong then? I still don’t really know, maybe one day I will thank him profusely for letting me go. But right now, I miss him like clothing. I feel exposed and alone. cold and rejected. Sigh.

Ok, so a quick explanation as to why I haven’t kept this blog going…I don’t think I was missed, but that’s ok, Im writing for my own experience and as cathartic therapy. Anyhoo, I have been meditating, and regularly too. I found meditation possible in a number of situations. I have not though, found that heightened state of enlightenment that I was hoping to achieve. Instead its just a quite time for my mind.

I have since moved in with and moved out of my boyfriends house. A prison in paradise I would call it. Nestled humbly in the rainforest and smelling of all things damp and sweet I set my soul down for home. However my soul had other ideas. Firstly it didn’t want to come in. “No.” it would say. “I don’t think this is where your heart is..” C’monnnnnnn” I would say “This man really loves me, he is great! Look at him!” I ran off a list in my head..funny, smart, caring, loving, energetic, although most of these could be selective. But most of all he loved and accepted me. So what was the big problem? He was very busy busying himself that I took a back seat. Even when he was with me, he wasn’t present. I wasn’t enough to calm his ticking mind, we no longer laughed like we did. Did things we used to do, play guitar, chess, talk shit, dance in the lounge room with bad timing at 1am. He just didn’t care to anymore. I gave it several attempts to revive it but he told me the honeymoon period is over and I should accept that. Ok so now it appears Im shifting blame. No, we both were to blame.

My soul started to die, I started to replace it with Mr Wonderful, who I must add, never wanted it that way. I just knew I didn’t mean as much to him as he meant to me. That was my fault.

So there we have it. A dying soul cut loose and ready to claim me back. I left myself out in the cold and ignored her pleas for replenishment. I was fat with anger and self-loathing. I was a walking mess of insecurity, dragging my skeletal soul around in the meantime. I started to project my souls longing onto my relationship. I am lonely, I need you, I want a connection, I feel neglected, don’t forget about me. All this I put onto him and the more I did the more I felt all those things.

It was my soul calling to me.

And now I have been sent home to replenish my true self and seek out my true self without being merged with another. So begins my new journey…

Worrying, yeah Im known to dabble in it from time to time..

I wish I was the kind of person who could just relax and not be concerned. I have tried at great lengths (mostly driven by my desire to end this craziness at once) to not be “worried”.  I don’t stress per ce, its more like a notion presents itself, good or bad, and I think, oh yeah that could actually be a possibility. I’m convinced my mind is only “looking out for me” or foreseeing any issues that may present themselves on my horizon, better preparing me for things to come. This causes issues in my relationships and I end up me chasing my tail.  I don’t think I can truly not worry, but I can be more effective with the train of thought that ambles through my head uninvited.

I have had time pushing at my back for as long as I was aware of its every insisting presence. Now I feel like I have turned around to face it. Saying “Stop! Tell me where Im going?”

Its reply is simple. Now. I have you in the now. That is where I am placing you.

I grapple with this statement, believing whole-heartedly that if I can somehow just have a peak over the horizon I would be better off and less of this worry train with rattle me at all hours of the day or night.  But Time wont have any of it. Another lesson I begrudgingly have to learn. Peacefulness no matter what. That’s like telling me I need to complete fourth year Physics in order to have a good night sleep. Arrrgh!  Oh so hard for my incessantly ticking mind.

I have always wondered about the next five minutes, the next ten, the next ten days, the next ten weeks.  Ok Im stopping right here and listing my worries…This worries often tangle themselves up in my Now.

I worry I am wasting my time. (yeah yeah, I know, Im wasting my time worrying)

I worry I am not worthy of real love, for I feel I do not deserve this real love.

I worry I may never stop thinking and have a mental breakdown (this is a genuine concern for me)

I worry I wont have a career I love.

I worry I’m failing at raising my son on my own.

I worry my efforts to seek God are in vain, and then what?

I worry about receiving a broken heart.

I worry about Karma (I have wronged others in the past)

I worry I am not achieving all I can achieve.

I worry depression bites at my heels.

I worry I am destined to be a worrier. Yuck.

That is all for today.

The time of my life..literally

Meditation is defined as focusing/centering your thoughts on an object, visualisation, breath, or just regarding your thoughts as they enter you mind. Its not essentially the ’emptying’ of ones thoughts per ce. Although it can be, and that has a calming effect for those like me who happens to have a five lane motorway running through their heads in a city that never sleeps. Since I set out on my meditation journey in April/May I have found that my meditation mostly consists of studying my own thoughts, actions and reactions. I have found them rather interesting and most times rather baffling to the untrained eye.  I guess what I am saying is I have come to know myself like I know no other. I have a calm now, one I have never experience before.

So, what have I been up to? Thats a matter of opinion really. Some would say nothing at all.  I am starting full time study in a few weeks and during the three-month gap between one course and the other I have not been working (not through lack of trying).  During this time, I have been reading about science, social issues, learing spanish, bush walking, painting, playing my guitar, attempting to write songs and getting back into photography. I have also been contemplating life, myself, my relationships, my love, my beliefs, my downfalls, and my strengths. Therefore others may say I have been doing a lot. 

Solo bush walking in far north Queensland, Australia.

I am so blessed to have these three months to do this. I would not have had it anyway. I want for nothing. If I start earning big bucks again this want for nothing might change into a desire for everything. Taking more than I need from the world again. I dont want to go back to that.

finding grace

 

I saw a bird, an egret of sorts, I’m not an avid bird watcher, but as I was kayaking on peaceful river waters I saw this bird take flight in front of me. It continued to follow the river, flying a metre or two above the water. I noticed this bird’s wings, slow and graceful, one easy stroke and it rose, another and it rose further. No flapping about trying to lift of the ground, and no quick or sudden movements, only grace.  I said to my partner, “I want to be graceful, just like that”. Effortless but meaningful.

 I often lack grace, I often flounder about like a flightless bird running from threat. I act like a feeble and blundering tool. I want my movements to be made with grace, effortless and meaningful, I want to respond to life like that beautiful bird, graceful and strong.

 I can see what I want to be, I can see the slow even meaningful strokes I make toward that goal, but I must have grace.  Any floundering about could see me succumb to threats. Attracting unwanted attention that could bring me down and by unwanted attention, I mean negative thoughts. Now I’m a bit of a believer in the scientific belief that you cannot have a positive without a negative. I feel you can think all the positive thoughts in the world but without the right amount of grace you may see equal amounts of negatives too. Grace allows us to glide when we are going through tough times. When the light at the end of the tunnel we ever so hoped to see, only turns out to be a firefly. With grace we can see that firefly ignite and can rest a moment in marvel, in wonder and in awe of the beauty of your journey.

 I want to have the grace to rest a moment and marvel, wonder and be in awe of the beauty of my journey. I want to accept the road ahead with grace,  I also want to forgive myself for the wrongs I have committed with grace. 

I want to love those I love with grace that exceeds human love. Its a love so pure that all it recognises is grace.

I want what my heart wants.

Sleep was sound last night. Thankfully.

I did meditate a few hours beforehand. This time I felt just to sit and not think. I resisted any feelings or thoughts to come in on the scene. I didnt want to label, I didnt want to focus, I just wanted nothing, en empty tranquil state of peace. I felt like I was denying a teenager of privileges. My mind kicked up quite a fuss:

 “But…but… thinking is what you do!”

“No, not now. I have thought  enough today”.

“You could label me and see me from a distance..how about that?”

“No”

“But you like doing that remember, it gives you a sense of control, hey how about one word, umm, Boyfriend. label that!”

“No.”

“Hey! your foot is hurting, you have to pay attention to that.”

“Damn it! ok, pain in foot, not part of me. It will eventually pass.”

“Ah but it really hurts”

“No it will pass.”

“But-”

“Piss off. Rising, falling, rising, falling, peace…….”.

During this time, I noticed my heart beat slowly underneath my mind. It was the quiet soft loving, ever loyal presence that beat faithfully while my mind scurried and laboured above it. I realised then that my mind was where I directed my energy. Where I took my energy from. Which, left me feeling exhausted and blown about like a reed in the wind. At its mercy. My heart, however loved, it was always loving, joyous, faithful and willing to forgive.  It was like a dormant temple under centuries of ruin.

I want to listen less to my mind, built up by mental constructs of knowledge, experience, skepticism, fear, discord, apathy, and selfishness and greed. Lets face it. We feel so justified when we hate. We can give a good soap box reason to hate and when we are right. When our mind gets excited at the prospect of yet another win against another. But our hearts beat away faithfully. Our hearts dont care if we won, our hearts only want love and peace.

I want what my heart wants.

I think this could work!

 

 

This post is a brief rendition of my first attempt at Vipassana Meditation, however   I really do want to let it be known that I hold highly this form of meditation or any for that matter and don’t take it lightly. I have a great deal of respect for the practice and those who have mastered it. I am nothing when it comes to what I know on the subject.

 

Anyhoo,  So I light a candle, enabling me to close all the louvers to keep out screaming neighbours or large quantities of Pink bellowing down from drug lord’s flat above.  I have a little background music too.  Although Vipassana is really about being in utter silence, a little two bedroom flat in Lego land doesn’t lend itself to conducive first timer meditation practices.

 

I go in without a measurable goal really. I know I should but I wanted to wait to see what felt right once I sat my derriere in the most comfortable position.  These were my goals so far. Don’t move and shift about regardless of discomfort, follow your breaths just above your belly-button, “rising” and “falling”.

 

How long was I going to do this? Hmm as long as I could perhaps? Then I would have to think about stopping and why I was stopping, would I be uncomfortable? Would I get bored? Why would I stop in the first place? So I needed to put a time on it. Fifteen minutes. Reasonable and achievable I think.

 

I sat in a half lotus position,  my right foot resting on my left thigh. I also made sure my beady anklet wasn’t going to start eating into my flesh causing me further distraction to my runaway mind. I rested my hands on my knees, palms open. Took a few deep breaths, straightened and began.  Immediately my ear began to itch. I couldn’t help but feel a little distracted at not the physical element but the humour of this situation. God thought it funny I suppose. I ignored the urge to raise my right hand and dig my pinkie into my ear canal for a good satisfying scratch. How good would that feel?!  I shifted my focus onto my breathing, the rise and fall of my diaphragm and the itch curiously subsided.

 

In my beginners guide to Vipassana I was instructed to ‘label’ feelings both emotional and physical as to regard them but not engage in them. Well along comes emotion number one, anxiety over my job. Its not the best job in the world, I study and work part time and it assists in paying bills but I feel a little anxiety either way.  I labelled this, job anxiety. I regarded it, but didn’t focus all of my attention on it. I visualised looking at it from the centre of a circle, its part of me but on the outer rim. Not part of my inner self.  Now normally I would think and think and think about this topic. Before I knew it I would be carried off with some runaway train of thought.  Next is  the part that I got excited about!

 

Once I visualised this emotion sitting on the edge, but not engaging with me, my mind dropped it, almost instantly. I knew this had happened because I tried to think about what it was I was thinking but couldn’t remember! (I remember now of course cause I thought long and hard about it afterwards, hahaha..sigh)   Its like my emotion couldn’t entice me to partake on a battering and draining ride so it turned around and said “F@*k you, im out.  So if this is a sneak peak of what I could work towards on a daily basis, I’m buying up!

 

Oh PS. I tried the same sort of meditation in bed once. Fell heavily asleep. Not really productive practicing when your sound asleep dreaming of pies wedged under carpets in the auditorium.

 

 

 

 

 

A new approach from under the coffee table.

The strangest thing (okay, something strange) happened this morning. I awoke wondering where my meditation aspirations had drifted off to. Probably sitting up there now in the cupboard with the pencils, paints and canvasses I spent a fortune on along with the “best intentions” about 6 months ago. I felt ashamed, ashamed about yet again skipping from one project to another, always seeking something more amusing, challenging and stimulating. I will have to write this post and admit with my head hanging low that I have not attempted to meditate since my last post. Yes, that’s correct. Oh the shame. Sigh…

How can I go on a journey into meditation if I don’t meditate? Its like wondering why I haven’t won the lottery but not having had gone out and bought the freaking ticket. I’m just going to have to try harder.

 

Now for the strange bit. I got up and sat on the couch with my coffee. Usually I turn on the TV and mindlessly stare at the box without actually watching it, but this morning I just wanted silence. I glanced down under my coffee table where I have a limited but diverse variety of books and travel brochures. How to kill your husband and other handy household hints, Decoding Love, a couple of Fallen novels, Lonely Planet’s Spanish pocket book, Russel Brand’s Booky Wooky 2 and several South America travel brochures, just to name a few.

I picked up Elizabeth Gilbert’s Eat, Pray, Love.   A book that nearly became my bible last year when I read it, however I hadn’t picked it up since until this morning. I opened straight up to a page where she talks about meditation. This got my immediate attention. I remember reading about Liz’s struggles with her own will and mind when attempting to meditate while she was in India. Vipassana meditation was mentioned in relation to detaching oneself from feelings both emotional and physical as well as living in the moment. Liz managed to endure meditation whilst being eaten by mosquitoes and slapping not one, but instead regarding and knowing the pain as it was soon going to pass. Pretty impressive I say.

I decided to do a little research on the net. I liked what I read. It seemed to suit me and my present issues. I am having this one issue at the moment involving jealously and insecurity. These two emotions grasp me quite strongly and clutch my mind with toxic force. A formidable binding I cant shake for hours and sometimes the feelings will resurface days after the initial onset, and bind me once again. Its rather debilitating and I have faced these same demons for years and years with not success in defeating. These feelings have found me in a fit of rage in the past. I am determined to do what I can. I refuse to live like this. I would be better off with a lobotomy.

The concept of Vipassana meditation practiced by Buddha was to achieve detachment from feelings or emotions -good or bad- with the premise that they will all eventually pass. So in short, no need to get your knickers in a knot, or chase a “happy” feeling around and around all your life because, they too, will pass. Why not take the good with the bad? Is one question I asked. Happy feelings are fantastic and should be encouraged. However you cant have a positive without a negative therefore it is better to acknowledge all of these feelings including physical pain, and then let them go. Look at them, regard them, know them, but don’t think about or dwell on them. That way, what pain can you truly experience that is genuinely part of you, but rather a sensation you happen to be experiencing at the time? This makes sense to me. All the negative and painful feelings including those that are physical have not lasted forever. I should avoid shifting and adjusting and always looking for that comfortable feeling, I should experience and know them without any attachment.

Just so you know, I wrote this post after a crash course in Vipassana meditation and I am no expert or even “have experience in”.

So I am grateful to whatever/whoever it was that had me sitting on the couch in silence and reaching for a book I hadn’t looked at for over six months and open up on that page. A page I was inspired instantly by and turned me around. Thank you.

I have just finished my first attempt at Vipassana meditation and I will write of my experience in the next post, by the way, it was all good.

 

 

Be still my frantic mind…. Please!

Ok, so as per my previous post, I will let you know how the meditation thing went.

By the way, I have had a turn around in a week as far as my “I don’t want to do this life anymore” statements were going.   Actually it started to change the day after, I had my moments of blackness and would like to see them take a long walk off a short jetty, with fire at the bottom, oh maybe molten lava or something so they could burn up into it rather than set up shop in my mind again.  My mind, she is like most welcoming inn keeper with her cynical and negative husband sitting in an old musty chair out the back. Just waiting to say harmful and abusive things about anything good that walks in the door.  You could say its like a domestic violence situation. The only safe way out is to separate the two.

So back to the meditation attempt,

I didn’t have candles to burn and couldn’t find my “Mind, body and Soul” CD, so I opened the blinds turned out the light (so a gentle street light flows in) and found a nice narrow position on the floor between the cupboard and the foot of my bed.  I took a few slow deep relaxing breaths, made a conscious effort to relax my neck and shoulders following through to my arms and fingertips. I did the same with my back, legs and feet. Now I wouldn’t say I was feeling all that I should at this point. A few cars went by and I suddenly felt my ears pick up on a few slight noises in the lounge room. Ok, back to it.  I started now, with a recently relaxed body, to focus on my breathing. Am I holding my tongue right? Is the tip of it supposed to be resting on the roof of my mouth? Do I breathe in through my nose? I can’t remember. I try to think of what I read. It reminded me of a yoga magazine my little sister bought. It had a green cover, I like that magazine, I wonder if I have it? Gee I took a few or my sisters bits and pieces lying around the house, do they miss them? They weren’t using them, and lord knows how much of my stuff they have. Oh I don’t have the Frankie Magazines I stockpiled before moving.  I wonder if my ex husband really threw out all my books, I hope not, I would have to get more books, oh when will I do that? I have no money!

As you can see my mind has the movement and energy of a 6-year-old on a sugar high.  It is relentless at times and I have to do all I can to try and calm it.

So this is what I do; I close my eyes gently. I focus on a spot behind my eyelids as if I were trying to look at a 3D image you used to see in the 90’s the one where you stare at this pattern long enough an image appears.  Focusing on the little bits of colours behind your eyelids seems to tether this untamed mustang that is my mind and hold it calm for a while.

Ok, now with that sorted I wanted to speak words of affirmation. So I said to myself:

“You are beautiful inside and out”. At first I said it in my mind a few times. Then I did something I have avoided  since I was a child saying bedtime prayers. I spoke aloud, whispering really. My Mother always told me it was best to pray aloud if you could. I hated the sound of my own voice. Oh don’t get me wrong I can chatter absently away to myself. But to pray to God or repeat a mantra or statement of affirmation, forget it. I felt dumb and foolish for some reason. Not ever sure why.

So this time I said it over and over again aloud. I didn’t like it at first but stuck it out. I re-relaxed, I focused on my breathing, I chanted my mantra, “You are beautiful inside and out.” There is a reason I chose this one. That’s a post for another time. After about 10 minutes. (I really struggled with the silence and stilling my childish mind so I thought not to push it.

Ok so I’m happy with this attempt. I didn’t feel too much on a spiritual level however I was pleased I finally got out of my comfort zone.

Good one Flick.

Here I go…again

So I was unsuccessful with my first attempt at meditation. I tried it in bed the other night. I fell heavily asleep. Yeah I dont think I meditated. I dont remember anything but waking up during the night thinking, did I meditate?

So with all my focus on mediation there is a massive emphasis to get it right. Which defeats the purpose really. I need to set the mood right? light a candle, play some relaxing music, time it with the sleeping patterns of the screaming children above me (which I really think are to the left of my unit, above me is a weirdo that goes on drug benders whilst playing Pink at 140 decibels at random times during the day).

I feel better today. Im in need of an attitude check really. Feeling sorry for myself is not conducive.

I wrote the above a few days ago, Ive been out and about for the last 2 days and back to rechecking my attitude. Just so you know.

So Im feeling the need to cleanse not only my mind but my body as well. I have been feeling a little sick and run down of late and the skin on my back is starting to resemble bed sheets with sand in them. Im also being pushed to eat more fruit, which I can drink but wont eat straight from the bowl. I have trouble with the consistency and taste of raw fruit in my mouth. (ok where else would I put it?) I can see the light but not yet convinced that adding fruit to my diet with help me. Vegies and salad are my thing. We’ll see.

My goal is to meditate tonight. I wont do it in bed, I will do it on the floor in my tiny bedroom. Yoga in there is not an option.

I used to do yoga quite a bit. I found that not combining it with meditation was just plain boring. So I stopped it because I had not yet learned to meditate, which I previously tried and gave up almost immediately. I found something else I could at least do well. Drink.

So here goes, I will have to hold myself accountable now. I have said I will meditate. Now I have to.  I will let you know how I go….