Link to new blog….I dont know what I am doing..

Ok, Im honest now. I love writing but trying to learn all this technical shit about blogs is doing my head in, so here is the link to my new blog… http://notyouraveragesinglediary.wordpress.com/
Any tips or pointers will be very welcome!!!
Peace
F.

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Moving on to some funny stuff now…

I have decided at this point that I cannot continue on my meditation journey. Where has it got me over the last twelve months? hmmm not far successfully speaking but it has taught me a lot about myself. In fact, I know so much more about myself now than I could ever imagined having known. However, when it comes to a point where I am doing the warrior pose to Hilltop Hoods I realise that a meditative state is not something I am going to bend myself into right now. Having said that, I feel that I am continuing on my journey. It hasn’t ended, I have not given up on meditation, I am just taking a break for now, my mind is no longer the problem it was to me when I started this blog. I almost loathed my incessant thinking and analysing. Now, twelve months and one heartbreaking break up later I am not wanting to put pins into my own head whilst humming along to songs I make up in the shower. So, I have decided to start another blog..

This one is about my new found singleness. Its a more comical encounter of my life thus far. Yes admittedly its hard to ignore the fact that I’m a 36 year old two time divorcee with a 16 year old son and back to renting my younger brothers house in a town I so desperately wanted to leave 18 months ago.  I have no choice but to look at it in a humorous light. What’s the alternative? So check out my new blog about being a single, thirty something getting over a sad break up, moving interstate and dating (AGAIN!) and still not really knowing if I’m getting it right but Im sure having a lot of fun trying. I have to say, I’m actually not dating again but will be soon I’m sure, I’m addicted to the stuff, and my new blog starts with heart break….

 

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Dont push repeat on your last five years…

My meditation journey at the present time is to kick some important goals so I can get back to focusing on my spiritual journey. All the typical chores when one moves suddenly interstate requires addressing whether one wants to or not. I am focusing at the moment on my study and getting my son enrolled from one school to another.  I got a high distinction for one assignment with uni and a pass for another. I wrote these assignments during my break up so I shouldn’t be so hard on myself but, still!! A pass for my reflective essay! I am the queen of reflection!  But besides! How can I reflect on my perceived ‘development’ for the future?. Its like, if someone had said, ok, you’re going to go through a break up soon, can you write two thousand words about what you think it would be like and how you would react and areas you think you would need improving. The thing is, in all my life experiences, I cant say I had a clue before I started, so what’s the point?? Not to mention,” I am a fast learner” doesn’t make the 2000 word count.  I guess this wouldn’t mean so much if my educator actually commented on my content rather than focus on my referencing format and the way I started paragraphs…which didn’t seem to bother any educator up to this point. Ok, I think he is the type of person who cleans out his salt and pepper shakers once a month.  Ok, off my soap box now…IMG_6018 (2)

So. I have settled into my new place, shit, if someone had of said to me a month ago (when I was camping on a secluded tropical beach catching red brim and mud crabs with the love of my life) that in four weeks time I would be living interstate (from whence forth I came) and have my own place (Long story) and healing a broken heart…I would have curled in a ball and well, who knows…wail comes to mind. Alright, so a bit of backstory, the place I am in now.. suits me well. But get this;  the day I moved into this place was on my five year wedding anniversary to ex-husband #2.  And the funny (as in bazaar) thing is, this was my parents’ home, I got my pre-wedding photos done at this place… I slept here on the eve of my wedding day.. my aunts and uncles gathered around, drank wine and listened to music in this house, five years ago to the day. My brother has since bought this home off my parents and it came up for rent the week I broke up from my boyfriend (who is not ex-husband #2, but my first long term relationship after a year of dating)

So I take that as fate, an amazing transition God and the universe given me.  I always loved the fact that in my life, the previous five years are different to the coming five years. I other words, no five years has ever, I mean EVER been the same. If someone told me (yeah I know, I said it again) when I was living back in this town a few years ago, that I would be up in the tropical surrounds, riding on the back of a bike tracing aqua blue oceans and looking up to see rainforest canopies enveloping me, whilst I clutch to a man I adore, my teacher and my friend, I would have thrown my head back and laughed. But it happened, no , nobody actually told me that’s what I would be doing, but you get my point. Life is amazing like that and that’s what excites me.  I don’t know what is down the track, it could be anything!!! Scary right? So I will meditate and calm my soul, preparing myself for what life throws at me or takes from me next.

Think about it, F.

So this is where I find myself..

Yes. Single.

It so happened this way two weeks ago. My endless worry (see previous posts) took its inevitable toll on my relationship. I could not sit still in it. Be in it. I was always looking over his shoulder, over my shoulder and drove us insane. Now it wasn’t all “me bashing” it does take two to tango. And Tango we did.

I find that in the wake of a series of unfortunate events led us to part ways. He called it, I agreed. However, being the sentimental gal that I am, I could not let go. We admitted we both loved eachother, that was never the problem. We were two different people at two different stages of life. If truth ever be uttered, I was the one having a hard time accepting being in a long term relationship that could see me bored with routine and mediocrity.  It wasn’t me. Not yet anyway.

So after some feeble attempts at meditation, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something wasn’t right. He loved me. He took care of me. He supported me. What the bloody hell is wrong then? I still don’t really know, maybe one day I will thank him profusely for letting me go. But right now, I miss him like clothing. I feel exposed and alone. cold and rejected. Sigh.

Ok, so a quick explanation as to why I haven’t kept this blog going…I don’t think I was missed, but that’s ok, Im writing for my own experience and as cathartic therapy. Anyhoo, I have been meditating, and regularly too. I found meditation possible in a number of situations. I have not though, found that heightened state of enlightenment that I was hoping to achieve. Instead its just a quite time for my mind.

I have since moved in with and moved out of my boyfriends house. A prison in paradise I would call it. Nestled humbly in the rainforest and smelling of all things damp and sweet I set my soul down for home. However my soul had other ideas. Firstly it didn’t want to come in. “No.” it would say. “I don’t think this is where your heart is..” C’monnnnnnn” I would say “This man really loves me, he is great! Look at him!” I ran off a list in my head..funny, smart, caring, loving, energetic, although most of these could be selective. But most of all he loved and accepted me. So what was the big problem? He was very busy busying himself that I took a back seat. Even when he was with me, he wasn’t present. I wasn’t enough to calm his ticking mind, we no longer laughed like we did. Did things we used to do, play guitar, chess, talk shit, dance in the lounge room with bad timing at 1am. He just didn’t care to anymore. I gave it several attempts to revive it but he told me the honeymoon period is over and I should accept that. Ok so now it appears Im shifting blame. No, we both were to blame.

My soul started to die, I started to replace it with Mr Wonderful, who I must add, never wanted it that way. I just knew I didn’t mean as much to him as he meant to me. That was my fault. IMG_6413

So there we have it. A dying soul cut loose and ready to claim me back. I left myself out in the cold and ignored her pleas for replenishment. I was fat with anger and self-loathing. I was a walking mess of insecurity, dragging my skeletal soul around in the meantime. I started to project my souls longing onto my relationship. I am lonely, I need you, I want a connection, I feel neglected, don’t forget about me. All this I put onto him and the more I did the more I felt all those things.

It was my soul calling to me.

And now I have been sent home to replenish my true self and seek out my true self without being merged with another. So begins my new journey…

Worrying, yeah Im known to dabble in it from time to time..

I wish I was the kind of person who could just relax and not be concerned. I have tried at great lengths (mostly driven by my desire to end this craziness at once) to not be “worried”.  I don’t stress per ce, its more like a notion presents itself, good or bad, and I think, oh yeah that could actually be a possibility. I’m convinced my mind is only “looking out for me” or foreseeing any issues that may present themselves on my horizon, better preparing me for things to come. This causes issues in my relationships and I end up me chasing my tail.  I don’t think I can truly not worry, but I can be more effective with the train of thought that ambles through my head uninvited.

I have had time pushing at my back for as long as I was aware of its every insisting presence. Now I feel like I have turned around to face it. Saying “Stop! Tell me where Im going?”

Its reply is simple. Now. I have you in the now. That is where I am placing you.

I grapple with this statement, believing whole-heartedly that if I can somehow just have a peak over the horizon I would be better off and less of this worry train with rattle me at all hours of the day or night.  But Time wont have any of it. Another lesson I begrudgingly have to learn. Peacefulness no matter what. That’s like telling me I need to complete fourth year Physics in order to have a good night sleep. Arrrgh!  Oh so hard for my incessantly ticking mind.

I have always wondered about the next five minutes, the next ten, the next ten days, the next ten weeks.  Ok Im stopping right here and listing my worries…This worries often tangle themselves up in my Now.

I worry I am wasting my time. (yeah yeah, I know, Im wasting my time worrying)

I worry I am not worthy of real love, for I feel I do not deserve this real love.

I worry I may never stop thinking and have a mental breakdown (this is a genuine concern for me)

I worry I wont have a career I love.

I worry I’m failing at raising my son on my own.

I worry my efforts to seek God are in vain, and then what?

I worry about receiving a broken heart.

I worry about Karma (I have wronged others in the past)

I worry I am not achieving all I can achieve.

I worry depression bites at my heels.

I worry I am destined to be a worrier. Yuck.

That is all for today.

The time of my life..literally

Meditation is defined as focusing/centering your thoughts on an object, visualisation, breath, or just regarding your thoughts as they enter you mind. Its not essentially the ’emptying’ of ones thoughts per ce. Although it can be, and that has a calming effect for those like me who happens to have a five lane motorway running through their heads in a city that never sleeps. Since I set out on my meditation journey in April/May I have found that my meditation mostly consists of studying my own thoughts, actions and reactions. I have found them rather interesting and most times rather baffling to the untrained eye.  I guess what I am saying is I have come to know myself like I know no other. I have a calm now, one I have never experience before.

So, what have I been up to? Thats a matter of opinion really. Some would say nothing at all.  I am starting full time study in a few weeks and during the three-month gap between one course and the other I have not been working (not through lack of trying).  During this time, I have been reading about science, social issues, learing spanish, bush walking, painting, playing my guitar, attempting to write songs and getting back into photography. I have also been contemplating life, myself, my relationships, my love, my beliefs, my downfalls, and my strengths. Therefore others may say I have been doing a lot. 

Solo bush walking in far north Queensland, Australia.

I am so blessed to have these three months to do this. I would not have had it anyway. I want for nothing. If I start earning big bucks again this want for nothing might change into a desire for everything. Taking more than I need from the world again. I dont want to go back to that.

The Aftermath

 We both always knew they were there, the landmines, sitting just below the surface in their steaming silence. We knew they were somewhere, I mentioned it a few times and you had observed them with contemptuous regard. I was ever vigilant and this annoyed you. You wanted me to stop talking about them; if we pretend they are not there then somehow we could live normal lives with them among us. They were quiet, however dormant, much like those who build villages at the bottom of volcanoes. We live in the hope that we will be just fine.

I had drawn maps of where I thought they were. You told me the maps were a waste of time as they are not accurate. You were right, they weren’t accurate, Im a dreamer and accuracy is not my forte. I decided to carry the map around in my back pocket anyway despite your constant requests to bin them. I would say, “be careful they are around here somewhere, please, we need to know where they are so we can avoid setting them off”. You told me to go away.

That’s when I became fearful, That’s when I tried to watch your step as well as fret over mine. I remembered the times when you held my hand and we walked I felt safe, when you carried me I felt your warmth and strength protect me. I know carrying me was sometimes hard. So I brought you cold drinks and replenishments, I kissed your forehead, I stuck by you and I sang your praises.

**

Everything went black at first. Smoke stung my eyes and I couldn’t see, I sensed the presence of pain in my body and I could not be sure where it was coming from. Suddenly I felt cold and alone. I don’t know what set it off. It’s hard to tell. It’s always hard to tell when you mix anger with fear. It would be easier if I blamed you, but it could have been me. I don’t know. Confusion rests itself upon my already weak shoulders. I look through smoke stung eyes and there I see you, in the distance, silhouetted against the dusty backdrop. Visibility is extremely low , so I call out. I dont even hear my own voice, my ears must be ringing from the blast. Words are ricocheting through my mind like shards of glass bouncing off stone walls. Your last words, my last words, I fail to make them out, I can’t remember. Nothing I previously knew made any sense now. What happened to us?

I see you are stumbling, I’m not sure if you are injured or you’re just the blinded by ash falling from the sky like rain. I suddenly feel an overwhelming urge to reach you, to hold you. Ash is burning my eyes like acid, my arms are weary from bracing. I don’t know how far I could walk to you anymore. I fight the aches and pick myself up. I straighten my back and dust off my knees and palms. I turn to your direction, you are gone. I have to go find you, you are out there somewhere, hurting and injured just like me. We are in this together. When I seek you out I can hold you, you can hold me, we can wait together while the dust settles. I set out into the hazy smoke, beneath my feet lay pieces of our home that was our hearts, I see pieces of you, and pieces of me. I hold my gaze further out until I can focus, I see emails, I see Bella Vista coasters, I see empty beer and wine bottles, letters, books and mobile phones. I see fishing rods, camping equipment, travel brochures, a map of the world, motorcycles, porcelain clowns, pademelons and a shipping container. What once was my reality now seemed like ruins from an ancient civilisation. Laughter echoes in my ears, it sounds so happy, it sounds so close, of a time not too long ago. I look around, dust and ash has covered everything. Its too early to assess the extent of the damage.

I spot you again, you are further away than the last time I saw you. I begin to wonder if your eyes are still stinging or you don’t want to find me or me you. I make my way steadily toward you, more pain, it hurts but I deny it in search of you. Surely you want me too. You are moving away, I’m not actually sure you can see me so I don’t draw on any futile conclusions. All I can do is wait until we are together again and I can see how you fared after the blast.

I am stumbling and staggering across more debris and rubbish, some that shouldn’t have been there in the first place and some that I kept strapped to my heart. You always told me you hated the way it looks, stuck to me like that. You said I should throw it away. I was always afraid of what lay beneath it, the rotting smell of resentment or freedom if it were gone. I was never brave enough to find out despite your best efforts to help me. I realised we both felt the same. My feet make contact with something heavy, I glance down and see a timber tablet. Its slender but solid, like a wooden sign of some sort, as I bend to pick it up I recognise it familiarity. We used to read this to each other. I cant remember what was said but the words were always sweet and welcome and soothing. Like ice cool water in summer. I brush the ash off and see the words, written lovingly into the grain, “I Love-“. It had suffered damage during the explosion. I had a mental block as to what it said; all I knew is that it was a tender phrase. A verbalisation of something we can forget to show. I love what? I love who? Who is I? I just don’t know. I tuck it under my arm and move on.

The dust has settled a little and I have finally made it to your side, by this time you have collapsed onto the ground, I can see the lines on your face, you look troubled and angry. I speak to you, however judging by your unresponsiveness I guessed you couldn’t hear me. I don’t think you see me. I bend to touch you, nothing. “Honey” I say “Its ok, Im here, its alright”. Still nothing. I panic now, my eyes dart around looking for help, it’s useless, I call out “Please! Someone help us?” The air is eerily still. No one is out there.

Desperation and self preservation kick in. I see my once together heart in ruins around me. Can I rebuild it? If so I need to do it fast. Thoughts of life without you rage though my mind like a landslide, covering everything, I could do it but oh how much it will hurt. Will I regret the decisions of my foolish and stubborn heart? Questions charged though me causing me to panic, always panicking, I look at you again. You are still reeling from the explosion. Its best to leave you be. I turned to walk away blinded this time by tears, tears and ash sting so much more mixed together. I raise my hands to rub my eyes, but something is still clutched firmly in them. It’s the wooden sign. I strain to see those beautiful words. I look back at you, bolts of memories power through my mind, memories of laughter, love, and tenderness.

I looked at you, I barely recognised you. What else could I do to save this moment? My efforts get me into trouble, I rendered the situation hopeless. Then I start to slowly read the words out aloud. “I Love-, I Love- You” That’s it! You and I are the I and you and I are the you! I say it again “I Love You”. Movement catches my eye, I look down to see your hand reaching for me, it is slow and shaky, but as soon as you touch me, I felt it; you were saying you love me too.

Felecia Claire 14/08/12

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