Mi Camino

Away in body, but ever present in spirit and in mind. (although the latter is often debatable). The last few months I have been aware of my mind, not internally but like this part of me floating above ducking and weaving, picking up nasty things off the ground to examine only to have me wrestle it out of its hands and say; “Yucky, don’t touch!” My mind is like a restless two-year old at times. Hungry one minute, looking for walls to climb things the next, then it  passes out in peaceful rejuvenation only to start it all over again.  I am close to mastering the art of regarding what goes on in there without being part of all the mayhem. I find during my sleepess nights when my thoughts are tripping and tumbling over themselves like crazed Beatles fans that I am not involved with the train wreck of mental fire ants but rather observing it. Last night I rolled over, laughed and shook my head at myself, or my mind rather. It can be quite comical the absolute nonsense it comes up with. Sometimes it’s like one of those old 1920’s slapstick comedy routines, complete with dust on the film and all.  

I am learning and I am excited at the prospect of what knowledge of this life and of myself that I will come to know along my journey, mi camino.

I have been taught a thousand lessons, learned a thousand lessons? No, I don’t think so. I will sit at your feet and listen. I will be strengthened within myself through my humility as I watch and wait and learn. Hard knocks are what I have come to know, mainly ones that no one can see. But it’s the unspoken battles, it’s the wars within that are won but are not told. It’s these hidden victories that let me know I am changing. I am learning, I am becoming, I am on my way.

Meditation in the dental chair….

 

I haven’t posted, cause Im afraid… I have not been meditating. In my feeble defence, I have had my tooth pulled and a few storms to weather on the romance front, but all the more reason to meditate right?? I thought so. Its the thought that counts right??

I have not healed too well after the offending tooth was removed. Ive been on a codeine hangover for a few days now. I have hardly touched a drop of alcohol and I started my first “physically demanding” job (hey pen pushing is a walk in the park)  in six years a few days after the incident AND to top it off I experience a near break up a few times over the weekend.  It looked like I was not only going to have a tooth extracted but also the extraction of a man I really care about.  Hmm, I should have been meditating.  Actually the last time I meditated was in the dental chair. Yuppo. Thats right.

I decided to attempt this extreme sports of meditation while the syringe was heading for my precious gums. I focused, “rising, falling, rising, falling”. I must say this is really difficult given the circumstances however, what else was I going to do?  Sing? I tried to read the humorous posters stuck to the ceiling.  I think the theory was clever, but its hard to read anything when a single high-beamed headlight is within feet of your face. I also found it hard to regard the discomfort without paying it too much attention. Freaking hard I must say! Its not that it hurt its just that when someone has a screwdriver like object attached to your mouth, using all her strength to loosen something that was causing you grief in the first place its hard not to think of the consequences if she slipped. Lets face it. When we meditate we don’t expect something coming out from left field at freight train pace and impaling the tender membranes of our mouths. Friends, this dentist was three stones ringing wet and I thought any moment now she is going to put a knee up on my chest and lean back like she is halting a runaway thoroughbred.  “Rising, falling, please don’t slip, rising falling, rising, seriously it has to be out by now, rising falling, oh I felt that, rising…..” Ok it was a mission.

So tonight Im going to meditate again. Im thinking I might fall asleep, but I will keep you posted….Im out, assignments to do. Adios.

I want what my heart wants.

Sleep was sound last night. Thankfully.

I did meditate a few hours beforehand. This time I felt just to sit and not think. I resisted any feelings or thoughts to come in on the scene. I didnt want to label, I didnt want to focus, I just wanted nothing, en empty tranquil state of peace. I felt like I was denying a teenager of privileges. My mind kicked up quite a fuss:

 “But…but… thinking is what you do!”

“No, not now. I have thought  enough today”.

“You could label me and see me from a distance..how about that?”

“No”

“But you like doing that remember, it gives you a sense of control, hey how about one word, umm, Boyfriend. label that!”

“No.”

“Hey! your foot is hurting, you have to pay attention to that.”

“Damn it! ok, pain in foot, not part of me. It will eventually pass.”

“Ah but it really hurts”

“No it will pass.”

“But-”

“Piss off. Rising, falling, rising, falling, peace…….”.

During this time, I noticed my heart beat slowly underneath my mind. It was the quiet soft loving, ever loyal presence that beat faithfully while my mind scurried and laboured above it. I realised then that my mind was where I directed my energy. Where I took my energy from. Which, left me feeling exhausted and blown about like a reed in the wind. At its mercy. My heart, however loved, it was always loving, joyous, faithful and willing to forgive.  It was like a dormant temple under centuries of ruin.

I want to listen less to my mind, built up by mental constructs of knowledge, experience, skepticism, fear, discord, apathy, and selfishness and greed. Lets face it. We feel so justified when we hate. We can give a good soap box reason to hate and when we are right. When our mind gets excited at the prospect of yet another win against another. But our hearts beat away faithfully. Our hearts dont care if we won, our hearts only want love and peace.

I want what my heart wants.

Who are you and what do you want with me?

I was always taught in my Christian upbringing that if you open yourself up to demonic or ungodly avenues then you will be haunted by demonic warfare.   I don’t think I ever have knowingly opended myself up to demonic influences, but figured seeking out spiritual fulfilment may mean I also have to tackle the evil.

I, lately on and off, I have been battling with feelings that are quite sinister. I often push them aside after a while and get on with it. But they tell me, “We will be back”. I ignore them and hope they are just trying to weaken my resolve to search for inner peace by waving around smoke and mirrors.  

Today is the first time I refer to this feeling as “they” like it’s not part of me but a spiritual attack coming from somewhere else? I have felt this before. Usually medication has been the final result. This helps but lulls me into a false sense of sanity. I am quite aware I feel happy because of the medication. The victory is short lived. No war has been won. No gunfire ceased and no enemy surrendering, just a feeling that all of the above has occurred but Middle Earth lies just below the surface.

I have been off anti-anxiety medication for about 6 months now after being on it for about 3 months. It worked and I really did feel peace and happiness. It gave me momentum to seek out my dreams and head toward them. While I was on the meds I began to wonder if I was me truly being at peace with myself or was the medication really just doing its job?  I feared it was the latter. So I weaned myself off them. It seemed ok, until now.

Last night I had dreams I was being attacked by a malevolent being. Each time I woke up in a panic thinking I was screaming or was paralysed, then after falling back into sleep, it returned only a short time later. Once I even sat up in bed in an attempt to become fully awake, lie there for a while and change positions. This still didn’t work. I finally awoke the next morning, after sleeping for nearly 10 hours feeling traumatised. They eventually left during the night but today I feel bereft and flat. I don’t think I feel right at all. I am not afraid of these nightmares, just curious about how they leave me feeling.

I don’t know what to do. I want to run.

I play my guitar a little and read a few words of inspiration from a few of my favourite books.  Writing this post seemed to calm me. Im no closer to finding answers but I feel like the turmoil  has subsided. I feel like a child soothed by the sound of thunder dispearing off into the distance after a storm, like a bloodythristy giant has walked back to his mountains. I will meditate again tonight. I did last night and by focusing on my breathing and labeling thoughts as they came into my head rather tha interacting with them virtually made them abscond altogether. Go on, get gone!

One foot infront of the other. Thats the best I can do. I will let love guide me.