Ok. So this is all starting off as follows:
This is me. Reeling with inward frustration and unrest. Im struggling at the moment with certain situations in my life that I need answers for and if I cannot have the answers now, I have to learn, rather rapidly, to deal with this riot that is my mind. It seems at this stage, the latter is my only option.
Fact is, I don’t want to do this anymore. I have so many good things in my life right now and I don’t understand myself. Just when I think its all ok and I’m dealing with my incessantly destructive mind (learned behaviour) it appears I could almost have a breakdown at any moment. I feel like I’m on the edge of one right now as I type this.
So meditation is what I want to do. What I need to do. If not I could die at my own hands. This is serious.
I pray to God, He tries to whisper things to me, but I cant hear over the sound of my own ridiculous thoughts smashing around in my head like a high speed car wreck.
I pick up my guitar and make up a song. Its goes like this…. “You cant be the only reason I’m here. You cant be the only reason for my tears” “Every morning I’m waking up, every thought I’m breaking up”
Its about my boyfriend, he doesn’t live with me, the relationship is only new. Going great guns actually. All the more reason I should be cruising along with life. But I am not. I also fear if I don’t get a hold of myself I might sabotage this relationship. This man is very good to me. If I ruin the relationship through my own stupidity due to not controlling my own thoughts, my self loathing would double.
So I pluck at the strings for a while. I play around with a few chords it feels very satisfying. However my Zen is constantly interrupted by the young children playing in the unit above me.
I must try that again sometime, when the children are asleep.
I wonder if you can exist without time being a factor?
mymeditationjourney 